Selena Gomez Pictures So Sextastic, I Forgive Her For Bieber

You realize that barely legal Disney starlet Selena Gomez and I had something of a falling out last week as I had to learn of her budding relationship with barely budding teenie bopper phenom, Justin Bieber, by seeing photos of the little fellow with his hands on Selena's bottom and his little baby lips pressed against her beautiful face. I put on a strong face for the public last week, but I can tell you now that I vomited for several hours after witnessing those photos, a combination of shame and a re-heated three year old slice of Sbarro combo pizza I found in the garage deep freezer.

As Selena Gomez edges her way into more adult looks (and, blessedly, adult behavior), I can't help but think she deserves a man who is, well, you know, over five feet tall. These Selena Gomez pictures from the upcoming InStyle magazine only further my point for her need for a real man, or, again, just somebody who is allowed to ride Space Mountain with her on her promo trips to Disneyland. Blast you, Justin Bieber, blast you and that damn swagger coach Usher hired you to teach you how to be smooth with the ladies.

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Updated to Add: Selena Gomez's Twitter account was hacked this morning... or was it? Just look what she had to say on her Twitter this morning before removing and her publicity team claiming a hack. Obviously, she's seeing the light. I'm right here for you, Selena, sweetheart, when you're ready.