Wherein Egotastic! editor and part-time furniture salesman, Bill Swift, gets sober for a day and answers the questions that matter to you the most, even if for entirely dumb reasons.

Some questions he answers publicly for the general good, some in heart-warming confidential responses, and some are just too idiotic to deserve a response at all, like the ones his dad keeps sending him about new things to try with his mom in bed. 'One in the stink', dad? Really? That's just so wrong.

Bill, what is your least favorite nipple type? -- Mike

The ones attached to dudes.

Why do I love boobs so much? -- Eldon

Because it's the very basis for the survival of your species. When a baby is born, it has only one desire, to wrap its suckling mouth around an engorged funbag and feed. Babies can't even see their mother's face when they're born, but they can smell boobs.

As if that wasn't enough, Mother Nature gave men an instinctive ongoing sexual attraction to women's breasts. Did you know that the human female is the only mammal to have enlarged breasts even when not needed to feed an offspring? They are specifically built for sexual attraction, mating, and the continuation of the species. You can no longer stop loving boobs anymore than you can decide to stop breathing, so, take a breath, and, enjoy.

Where's the best place to pick up a woman at and what's a great pick up line to use once I'm there? -- Kevin.

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