Why Do Aliens Hate Cows So Much?

Aliens are once again mutilating cattle in Missouri, at least according to some lady. Lyn Mitchell is a cattle rancher in rural Missouri who has found 3 of her cows mutilated in the last month. The cattle have some of their organs removed and in a way consistent with other cases of alleged alien cattle mutilation. Mitchell was skeptical at first but now says,

"The more it happens, the more questions you get. And the more you learn, you find more and more things that make you ask more questions."

Indeed. Not to mention the fact that the sheriff's department seems to think either aliens or Satanists are at fault. Chief deputy Robert Hills says,

"We're having to look at this from two sides. Some people believe that there are aliens that are involved in this or the possibility of the occult going to the other end of the spectrum."

Well, of course! There is no possible way that the cows died of a fungal infection that has been killing cattle in the Midwest and that natural predators like wolves and coyotes caused the mutilations. Naturally, it's aliens or Satanists...or alien Satanists! I will never understand aliens. They fly billions of light years to come to Earth and then they go out into the middle of nowhere to mutilate cows and give rednecks anal probes. I'm starting to think the aliens are just fucking with us, like it's all some elaborate frat prank during rush week at the University of Umacron-5.