Who Should Replace the Departing David Hayter, Mr. Solid Snake?

Well, nobody should. Somebody must, though, lest we're saddled with another mute protagonist a la Link of The Legend of Zelda fame. More heroic GYAAAAAHs and EEEYAAAHs, we don't need; the pixie-boy always sounded more like he was experiencing an alarming bout of digestive difficulties on the toilet.

But we digress. Metal Gear-aholics will surely be aware that the stealthtacular Solid Snake's gravelier-than-two-sacks-of-gravel-with-extra-gravel-in voice has come courtesy of David Hayter since 1998‘s Metal Gear Solid. This has been the way of the world through four iterations of the series, and a host of great-to-craptastic spin offs. Lamentably, though, the times they are a-changin', as Bob Dylan would probably tell us, given half a chance.

Tears, tears of intermingled outrage, confusion and sadness bloomed in many a dudely dude's eye (presumably. We weren't sobbing in the fetal position on the kitchen linoleum, as our parakeet Horatio looked on with contempt. This did not happen, even slightly) when it was confirmed that Hayter will not be reprising his much-acclaimed role. The impending Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain will feature a new voice for the stubbly maestro. Eurogamer reports that fanatical franchise boss-man, Hideo Kojima, is striving for ‘a fresh start for the sneaky operative,' which doesn't quite seem to warrant disregarding one of the most iconic voice actors in the gamingsphere.

Sit down, Charles Martinet! A few simpleton woohoos as Mario don't put you in this dude's lofty league.

Hayter himself proclaimed, ‘To hear anyone else's voice coming from Snake's battered throat, makes me a little ill, to be honest... know that I will miss this job, and this character, very much.' (-eurogamer) While this demonstrates conclusively that badasses of this caliber give no shits about where they place commas in sentences, like the renegade grammar-disregarding dudes from the depths of the Devil's dick that they are, it leaves us wondering just who can take up the testicles-like-cannonballs manly mantle in his stead.

Join us next time, for an analysis of who absolutely should -and absolutely should not- be considered for the role. There'll be piss-takery, snark, and piss-taking snark.