Victoria’s Secret Supermodel Candice Swanepoel’s Outstanding Post-Baby Bikini Bod

I have never carried a baby inside of me, and I still do not look as good as Candice Swanepoel does now. I did carry a baby on the outside of my body before, but it wreaked so much havoc that I swore to never do it again. The back pain was out of this world, the kid must have weighed close to eleven pounds. In what reality am I supposed to be able to undergo such a strenuous feat? Did they mistake me for the almighty Thor? Impossible, I do not even have blonde hair. And that only addresses the thing’s weight. I have not even touched on the smells that have yet to leave my nostrils.

Some people claim babies smell pleasant. I am convinced that those people are on meth and live in abandoned port-a-shitters. Kids have the perpetual stench of sour milk and human waste. It does not matter how recent their last bath was, or how fresh their clothes are. It is almost like the smell seeps out of their pours until puberty when they become clogged with Axe.

But of course polite society pretends none of this is true in an attempt to get more babies made, because we need future people to pay into Social Security.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA