The Return Of Twinkie The Kid

The Twinkie is back, America. We can all breathe a little easier, (as long as we don't have to climb too many steps), because the perennial spongecake and white goo treat will return to store shelves July 15th. It's been a dark time in our country since the Hostess company shut its doors. People began stockpiling the sweet yellow bites of goodness and buying them for thousands of dollars on Ebay. Sure, there were "substitutes" like the Lil' Debbie Cloud Cake, but those aren't the same! Nothing is the same! Luckily, the very Greek sounding Metropoulos & Co. and Apollo Group bought some of the iconic Hostess products and is re-releasing them back into the wild. I think this is a good time to reflect on what we've learned from all this:

(Cue touching "Full House Moment" Music)

I've learned not to take my junk food for granted. One minute you're downing a bag of Funyuns on the Elliptical machine at the gym and the next day you have to settle for Bob's Onion Crisps and a walk around the block, (not that Funyuns are going anywhere, but you get my point). Is that any way to live? Are we not Americans? Don't we deserve better? We did not win the Cold War to eat knock-off junk. Every time I ate a Cloud Cake or Zinger, I felt like a Soviet jackboot was crushing my throat. We preserve our national parks and historical landmarks, why not our iconic American products? Aren't they as much of what makes us us as any of these other things. More so, really, because these products literally increase our body mass. So, eat a Twinkie on July 15th or the terrorists win.