The Egotastic! Valentine’s Day Gift Mini Guide Because We Really Deserve It

So apparently giving gifts that give back is a real thing that people can do now and it's supposed to make the giver feel good. You give a loved one a gift of a donation to a worthy cause and you do it in that loved one's name. It's like you're putting a down payment on their ticket to get into heaven.

This type of gift-giving is NOT what we have in mind this Valentine's Day as we come up with our list of gifts that really give back. And we mean that in the most direct way possible. As in, we get something cool and awesome out of giving you this gift. At Egotastic! we often do things the wrong way and sometimes on purpose, sometimes for fun but it's always without fear. It's not easy working through this cocktail of abandonment, resentment and lactose issues we've got.  Angrily choosing our V-Day sweethearts and offering gifts that come from the wrong place in our hearts is right up our alley; a cold, dark and unforgiving place as you'd ever want to be on Valentine's Day.

PHV 1330 Peephole Viewer from Brinno

This is the kind of gift that makes no sense if you only think of it as "an electronic peephole." Instead the Peephole Viewer is the kind of gift perfect for keeping tabs on Lindsay Lohan or whatever trainwreck of a former child star you might have stalking you these days. It begins with the PHV 1330's three inch view screen that's installed on indoor side of your front door with the high powered camera pointing out into the cruel world on the other side. This means you don't have to walk up to the door risking your eyeball to squint through some half inch fishbowl lens. Instead, apartment dwellers can glance at the door while rich folks can see who's there from a safe distance and without giving away the fact that they're home. Oh you didn't know that psycho ex-girlfriend's and Lohans will walk up, cover the peephole with a finger and look at light and shadows under the door to see if you're really there? That's the oldest trick in the book, son.

If you pick up the deluxe PHV 1330 set that comes with the Knocking Sensor and the Motion Sensor you'll have a LiLo proof front door intelligence system that would make Jason Bourne smirk. With those attachments, the PHV 1330 effectively becomes an automated still camera system that will take pictures of anybody that approaches (Motion Sensor) and/or knocks (Knocking Sensor). When you get home later, you'll have a whole gallery of all the crazy people that approached your door. Yeah these days too many of us express ourselves to the world through social media and mobile devices but the good stuff, the real fun, still happens when your local drug dealer/cable repair person/Lindsay Lohan walks through your door. We're not trying to keep any of those people out, but we need to know where they are as soon as possible. I didn't know the front door peephole  needed to be re-invented and "manned up" but that's what just happened.

Growth Factor 9 by Novex Biotech

We've got to be honest here, we don't know a lot about performance enhancing drugs beyond what we learned from Lance Armstrong, but who can trust that guy, really. All we know is that to keep up withJennifer Nicole Lee we're going to need some kind of chemical enhancement and we don't want to have to run to Mexico all the time whenever it's time to dive into her newly MILFtastic self. And lo and behold, it says right on the packaging for Growth Factor 9 that you won't have to get prescriptions from Mexico anymore with this safe, effective and legal supplement. As for what's in it, I really couldn't tell you. Spelling and science were my weakest subjects in school and there are way too many Latin and Greek words on the ingredients list for me. What it does is more important. You get a 600% increase in blood serum levels which sounds great because 6x anything will be noticeable whether you're talking pizza slices, lottery tickets or chemical enhancement. Human growth hormone itself is the stuff your body used to take you from a boy to a man once upon a time and, now, adding a little synthetic boy-to-man juice (dude, really?) to your system as an adult will give you energy, muscle mass and all sorts of other things you don't have as you get older. Again, we're not saying we know what's in Growth Factor 9 or what you're going to get out of it. We just want to draw some conclusions from different, albeit related areas, and let you all triangulate what's going on here. We've learned to not ask too many questions in our dogged lusty pursuit of Jennifer Nicole Lee. GF-9 is taken in pill form which means no more injections which potentially means no more pulling your pants down and bending over in front of JNL and politely asking her to stick you (dude, enough).

Lumia 920 with Windows Phone 8 by Nokia

Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. If any starlet typifies the relationship between a young woman and her mobile device it's Miley Cyrus with the number of ways in which she self paparazzi'd her way to social media relevance with an endless stream of outlandish pics. Hey look there's a pic of Miley in her bathroom, by a roaring fire, in a tiny top with a new tatoo and free sideboob and in a I-don't-know-what-the-hell-that-is but she's not wearing a bra. So many of these shots are from an arm's length away or by way of an eager friend happy to snap pics of their favorite pop country singer. The Nokia Lumia 920 is --on it's surface-- a fully featured smartphone with tremendous speed when you're on AT&T's LTE network, but when you're a Miley Cyrus acolyte or Miley herself it's probably the best phone-mounted camera out there. The image stabilization is without equal and you still get that earliest of Windows Phone OS features going from pocket to shooting a photo in less than three seconds and with one push of a button. Just what a young starlet with nothing better to do in her daytime hours really needs because all that goofing off won't capture itself. Throw in "burst" photo apps that automatically shoot a sequence of photos for those wobbly moments when you can't focus or aim straight and you're on the highway to social media infamy for sure. The sharing to Facebook and Twitter and services that use those platforms is seamless. So in a very direct way, giving this gift to Miley Cyrus will only encourage more cleave-tastic twitpics, sassy moments with friends and late night gang signs from exclusive night clubs to appear on everybody's social media feeds which only encourages more skin-revealing public behavior. But it's better to think of it as striking a blow against boredom, the sworn enemy of any young woman with lots of time and money on her hands. You're welcome.