Take Your Stinkin’ Paws off My Netflix, Facebook

It's bad enough that I'm already stealing Netflix from my parents account which pretty much means that anything to do with Talman King or Russ Meyer is immediately off the table. The last thing I need is my mom calling to tell me she keeps getting asked by Netflix to rate the 1970s women's prison movie she 'recently viewed.' Which is why I'm basically creeping around Netflix with parental controls on to not embarrass myself. And now things are going to get even worse as Netflix has announced Netflix Social, a new, fun away to embarrass your viewing habits to everyone you know on Facebook, by linking the two sites and having all your streaming choices pop up on your feed.

Obviously there are safety controls to this program which lets you control what does and doesn't get shared. Sure, great, now people are going to think I'm a snob because the only thing I ever share is that I binge-watched House of Cards and eight-seasons of worth of PBS's Masterpiece Classics. I'm going to have to throw in a Weekend at Bernie's 2 just to round my character out like a goddam college admissions essay. 

I don't like sharing. I don't want people to know what movie I'm watching right that instant (especially since I told you I was going out with friends and couldn't hang that night), I don't need people cull through my Spotify playlist on Facebook (hey, Duran Duran are good, you don't know what you're talking about), and most importantly, I don't need to 'check-in' when I'm at Joe's Fish Shack Hullaballoo Hootenanny Music Festival because now you know I'm not home and will come rob my house.

So please let me just use Facebook for what it was meant for--to stalk through the photos of women I meet off online dating sites to make sure they're attractive enough for me to go out with. Thank you.