Steam Is Watching You… Suck At ‘Dark Souls III’

  You know the old joke about men? How they’re unable to admit they’re lost, consult maps or ask for directions? The thing about that is… it’s pretty well accurate. I know exactly where I’m going, however many times we’ve passed this gas station, so stop questioning me already.  

We’ve got a studly reputation to maintain, y’see. We’re man-tastic modern men with no effs to give, we fear nothing and no-one, we can stay up as late as we like, and we only call our moms seven times a day. We don’t show weakness, or ineptitude or dumbassery. Ever.

So what the hell are you doing to us, Dark Souls III? Stop with your damn statistics showing how much we suck. Over on Steam, in-depth global data on the game reveals just how badly we’re doing. This, we don’t need.

Dark Souls, natch, has always been known as a shit-your-pants-difficult series, so it’s not real surprise. Still, it’s interesting reading. Here’s the skinny, fresh from Game Spot:

‘The game's achievements mark when a player lights a bonfire, joins covenants, and, most importantly, defeat bosses. (The stats) reveal that over 13 percent of players have not defeated the game's first boss, Ludex Gundyr, who appears after around 15 minutes of play. It'll come as no surprise that the number of players that defeat further bosses decreases steadily as the game goes on. Just one percent of players have managed to acquire all the rings, miracles, and gestures in the game.’

So how about you, ashen one? Are you one of the 1% who have crushed the game ‘neath your mighty boot of victory? Or were you one of the guys who got their scrote crushed into spam by the first boss and never returned?