Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Cures All

I'm pretty sure that if there was a cure for cancer, you'd find it in Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, so it's a shame that she doesn't show it off more often (like she used to). It's as if being a successful actress who can choose any role she wants, and marrying Ryan Reynolds so she doesn't care about the attention of men, has made her somehow less interested in being sexy purely for our entertainment. Stop being so damned content with yourself, Scarlett! There are people dying of cancer out there, and your boobs are the only cure!

Lindsay Lohan's breasts, on the other hand, I'm pretty sure are the cause of cancer. Or at the very least a powerful meth addiction.