prepare to be amazed: Lindsay is not in trouble

Just to set the stage here, Lindsay Lohan has broken 8,000 laws but always gets away with it because the judges and sheriff in LA are complete pussies who simply refuse to enforce the law in any way or ever follow through on their threats. With that in mind, let's revisit what Judge Elden Fox told Lindsay on October 22nd, moments after sending her to rehab instead of jail...

"Let me be clear; I'm going to do exactly what the DA wants, if you violate the program in any way, if you leave the program early, and if you test positive."

OK now guess if that's actually going to happen (SPOILER ALERT: no).

the Probation Department will not recommend to Judge Elden Fox that he violate her probation for the alleged assault when Lindsay appears on January 3 ... (they) will only recommend action if Lindsay is convicted.
But it gets more complicated on the subject of alcohol. Under the terms of Lindsay's probation, she's required to comply with drug testing, including tests administered at Betty Ford. By refusing to submit to a breathalyzer test a week ago Sunday morning, Lindsay arguably violated this term of her probation.

No. Not arguably. She did. She broke curfew AND refused a breathalyzer. She violated the term of her probation twice. The assault would simply be a third violation. If you tell someone to do something, and they don't do it, that means they didn't do it. Can't we just try to put her in jail, see if that helps. One week in a real jail, in a real cell with a girl everyone calls D-Train or some scary shit like that. Worst case scenario is she gets killed, but think of all the street cred that would give to D-Train.

(nsfw, full size copy of the headline picture here, since having decent tits is the one and only thing she contributes to society)