Olivia Wilde, Hero

Olivia Wilde wrote a blowhard essay to accompany her Self magazine photo shoot which repeatedly referenced how she is not in good shape after giving birth and graphically referred to wearing "ice diapers" to cool her birth jets.

"In fact, I'm softer than I've ever been, including that unfortunate semester in high school when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot... The photos of me in this magazine have been generously constructed to show my best angles and I assure you, good lighting has been warmly embraced. The truth is, I'm a mother, and I look like one."

In your face, other women. This is the worst I've ever looked and I look fucking fantastic. Wilde never makes a point but I think it's that she's one of you, if you were hotter and richer and thinner and fucking Jason Sudeikis. It's the old trick of doing your hair and makeup for an hour and walking to brunch saying you just woke up. Apologizing for your success seems counterintuitive. It's also super fucking annoying. You should really be apologizing for your failures. And showing us where the ice drips go. Then we're even.