Natalie Portman Could Use a Decent Meal

Natalie Portman used to be the shit. The bomb. The little Jewish girl who could. I'm not sure what happened to her. She married a gay ballet dancer and they somehow produced a child and then she disappeared after what appears like many months of hardcore fasting. No woman should ever have bony cheeks. It's a sign that they hate food. And women who hate food also hate men. I paint with a very broad brush. Still, just to be safe, find yourself a girl whose eyes light up at the Hometown Buffet. She's probably going to be fun in the sack.

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