Mischa Barton Seeks Dr. Phil’s Wise Counsel

Mischa Barton's taped an episode of Dr. Phil that will explain how she's the unwitting victim of an ex-boyfriend's secretly recorded sex tape. Also, how her half-naked fence post rantings are the result of being slipped various chemical cocktails by a Mordor ring wearing hobbit. If Dr. Phil asks zero followup questions, it should go smoothly.

Barton is at that place in her life where a series of pubic disturbance arrests and auto accidents all point to drug and mental illness issues. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't following you. This crossroad provides you the opportunity to double down on an incredulous series of impossible to believe excuses or to come clean and ask Dr. Phil for a virtual hug and some of that free psychiatric services he throws out in exchange for your ratings tears.

Look at how much lighter Lama Odom is stepping today after revealing his cocaine and fucking not his heinous wife confessions. There's simply no way your long term boyfriend taped you two having sex on a hidden camera. Was he looking askance and slapping you on the butt and calling you his bitch? Those would be the clues. Ask Vivid for 50-50 on the talent split of gross and use the money for six months rehab chanting atop a mountain in Guangdong. There are reality shows that need you semi-sober.