Michael Phelps Is A Genetically Freaky Man-Seal

Michael Phelps won his record breaking 19th medal yesterday making him the medaliest, (is that a word?), winner in Olympic history. Though he's a bit of a d-bag dufus, there is no denying the kid is a great swimmer. But the real reason he's a champion is because he is a genetic freak. Look at him compared to other swimmers. The other guys are as ripped as him, have practiced as much as him, and seem to care more about it than him. Next, look at his torso and legs. The guy looks like the abominable hybrid of a human with an effing seal.

Am I saying that he is part of a secret government experiment to combine redneck DNA with that of a sea mammal? Or am I saying that his mom got drunk at SeaWorld 28 years ago and was gangbanged by the stars of the sea lion show? Maybe. But it strikes me as a little unfair. People get their medals taken away for doping, why not for genetic cheating? Is it fair that Phelps uses his aquatic swimming dog genes to beat his opponents? Think about it.