Mastermind Of The Day: Timothy Cook – Gorilla Man

In honor of the wayward criminals of the comedy, Masterminds, in theaters September 30, we're taking a look at some of our world's most inept, clumsy, and dumb-ass criminals.

People do really stupid things when they are intoxicated. I once stole a duck from a nearby pond and brought it to a party. Don't worry, I returned it unharmed. That duck had one hell of a story to tell his duck buddies though. But I've never been arrested for any of the dumb crap I did while drunk. One thing I know for sure is that if I had an outstanding drug warrant I would keep a low profile. But then, I'm not Timothy Cook of Ohio. He chose to strip naked, act like a gorilla, and masturbate in public. You know, like you do. I guess this is just an average Saturday night in this guy's life. The police report reads:

"Two white males running around the lot taking of their clothes, one of the males growling and punching the cement. While Officers were in route to the call a second call came into dispatch about the same males. One of the males entered the License Bureau and was waving his arms around. He then excited the business and began masturbating on the sidewalk. The License Bureau then locked the doors to the business due to safety concerns...Cook was sweating profusely acting like a "gorilla" - was squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently."

Why a gorilla? Well, if you were going to act like an animal and masturbate in public, which animal would you pick? A giraffe? That makes no sense. You need something with the right kind of hand that is known for masturbating. In other words, a close relative of humans and an even closer relative of underdeveloped people like Timothy. He was arrested for lewd behavior, public intoxication, and the previous drug charge. I wonder if they'll make him hoot like a gorilla in prison?

See the Masterminds trailer.