Mark Wahlberg Wants To Be a Cop

Mark Wahlberg wants to join the LAPD as a Reserve Officer, a program the LAPD invented so celebrities that fervently support gun control can have the right to carry personal firearms and make sure their bodyguards can do the same. Unfortunately you can't join the LAPD Reserve Officer program when you have a rap sheet for beating the shit out of minorities. That right is reserved solely for the real police officers themselves. Wahlberg would first have to receive a formal pardon in the State of Massachusetts which is the reason he's now citing as why he needs the pardon. To help the children.

Wahlberg apparently became fascinated with law enforcement after playing a cop in several movies, which means he thinks he will be doing a lot of dangling from helicopters and will most likely accidentally kill several people when he witnesses an illegal soda refill at the Lakers game. He's definitely in better shape than Steven Seagal who they let beat up some handcuffed criminals on the streets of New Orleans for his reality show. On the other hand, Wahlberg did used to beat Vietnamese people with sticks. Maybe give him one of those prop guns like they gave the guy to fire at Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow.  That way no Asians gets hurt.

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