Manimals: What is Mother Nature’s Manliest Creature? #13- The Musk Ox

As you may have seen whilst perusing previous Manimals installments, we have rather bastardized the term ‘manly' in this series. Webster's Dictionary doesn't seem to concur that it means renegade, terrifying badasses from Lucifer's ballsack. Instead, good old man-centric man stuff for dudely dudes is a rather more pertinent definition.

As such, we present the musk ox, genuine manliness in its purest form. ‘Musk' is derived from the Sanskrit word for ‘testicle,' meaning that this guy is literally known as Big ol' Hairy Bollocks Ox (no it isn't). Which is, we need scarcely point out, all the manly credentials these bastards need right there. But will that suffice for the heroic, awesome lumberjack that is the musk ox? It will not.

Because this unfortunate soul resembles a huge, copiously hairy turd on legs, it's safe to venture that its coat is suited for traversing colder climates (or, perhaps, enabling it to blend in with, and therefore infiltrate, the hippie communes of the Sixties. Stealthy invading oxen shitting on your kitchen linoleum is the risk you take when you never shave your body hair and/or bathe). Because it is. You'll frequently see this guy cruising about Arctic Canada and Greenland with its wang out, giving no shits about the fact that it's up to its foreskin in snow. Further, having survived the last ice age, the ancestors of this beardy bastion of masculinity have been doing so since the Pleistocene period. Whatever the hell that is.

Meanwhile, certain of our own species will see a few fleeting flakes of it in the air on a Monday morning and call in sick. (Nose-pinching nasal voice/ludicrously exaggerated coughing supplied as standard, naturellement. "I can't come in to the office today, I have... the plague. On... my ass. Also, the local youths might piss on snowballs and propel them at my delicate facial region. Some went in my mouth last time, I'm not going throughthattrauma again.") That'll be a win for the musk ox, we daresay.

Lest we forget, also, that musk-y, testicle-y goodness we mentioned earlier. This guy smells manly. Those -allegedly- white gym socks, that you haven't deigned to wash since 1997? That's ‘musk,' right there. Body odor is our manly essence, and this mother smells so damn punch your own nose in the face bad that he's named after it. The musk ox has to beat the women away with... his enormous ox dick, presumably.

In summation, it is the very last word in manliness. Watch these 800lb mofos give a casual middle finger to some bastard wolves attempting to hunt them (the second time, after that ate a baby ox right in the face, at any rate) right here: