Lindsay Lohan Hospitalized in Lindsay Lohan Condition

The first thing an ER nurse will do is try to establish a baseline against which to measure your current condition. With Lindsay Lohan, the triage questions run the lines of, is your vision more blurry than normal? Are your joint pains more severe than as a typical Sunday morning? Is that gentleman's cum in your ear canal?

Lindsay Lohan was admitted to a London hospital related to that mosquito borne virus she picked up while scratching her anus along lava rocks in Bora Bora. Lindsay played through the symptoms while on vacation with the strict regimen of vodka and cocaine, but thanks to British customs, she fell into rather steep decline upon return to her new adopted homeland.  The prognosis is solid for Lindsay to make a full recovery. Unfortunately that will be recovery to 2015 Lindsay Lohan, not 2004 Lindsay Lohan as she had asked the doctors if it was possible. C'mon, science, pick up the pace.