Katie Holmes Won Tom Cruise With A Wife Audition

In addition to Katie Holmes auditioning for movie roles, she also had to audition to become Tom Cruise’s wife. It’s probably the only casting couch MeToo turned marriage on record. It must have been difficult for Katie to jump through all of the Froot Loop hoops that a loony Cruise wanted her to. She obviously succeeded, but it probably would have been better if she didn’t. I mean, if the prize was a man with more than a few screws loose I’d beg for someone like Tonya Harding to come along and Nancy Kerrigan my knee.

Now, a former Scientologist named Valerie Haney has claimed that such auditions "absolutely happened."

In fact, she claims that Holmes participated in the audition process and "won" the right to be Cruise's wife.

Tom is obviously a highly talented, high-functioning retard. But blame shifts from him to anyone that alleges to be his victim when the victim chooses to keep up the charade after Tom tells them the green men from the Mars Attacks movie are his pastors. Xenu is really just a Xenomorph. If Tom had any sense he would call Sigourney Weaver to prove once and for all he’s worshipping a false god. And after Weaver whips more alien ass in warehouse equipment, the United States should look into passing a law to prevent charlatan nerds from ever making another religion.