I Felt Worse About Staring at Steven Spielberg’s Daughter’s Tits Before I Paid $15 to See Jurassic World

Bad guys in movies are always threatening mopes with harm to their virginal daughters if they refuse to comply with various sinister demands. These villains have never studied Hammurabi. The punishment has to fit the crime. You make one onerously shitty plodding Bryce Dallas Howard unisexual plastic ball dinosaur movie, I stare at your eighteen year old as she drips vanilla on her boobs. Shut up, Lady Justice. I just gave Josh Duggar the address of your daughters sleepover party. He's got board games and a desire to show Jesus he still has a ways to go. We're all sinners.

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