Highlights of Gamescom 2013: FIFA Soccer 14 Gets its Balls Out Again (VIDEO)

Some things in life are uncertain. Will topless (and preferably bottomless) photos of Katy Perry ever make it onto the interwebs? Will our drunk half-brother ever bring us our share of the profits from the emu farm he promised to set up when we loaned him $50,000? What's that thing growing on my ass?

We just don't know.

Huzzah, then, for a little reliability, a little status quo (not the hippie-haired, crotch thrusting elderly rockers). Here's the regular-as-clockwork annual FIFA Soccer installment, fresh from its Gamescom showcase. The brief yet melodramatic clip starts with a heavenly choir and the message ‘the most honored sports game on the planet.' It's so ‘honored,' you'd be forgiven for thinking that FIFA Soccer 2014 had just personally rescued a baby from a burning building.

It really is. The trailer couldn't be any more theatrical if it was narrated by Morgan Freeman in the middle of a warzone, as bullets whistled past his awesome face. We also have to contest EA's use of the term ‘actual gameplay,' as there's... none of that to be seen here. What we do have is everything soccer fans demand: ludicrous hairstyles, fancy footwork and those little black gloves the players insist on wearing. Behold!