Heidi Montag With Child

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt would eat a litter of puppies if they thought it would land them a sentence in Parade Magazine. Instead, they’re having a kid. The 33-year-old online crystal salesman and 30-year-old plastic surgery victim cashed in on the pregnancy announcement with a cover story in Us Weekly. Here’s how Pratt discovered that Montag will be queefing out a ball of eyeballs and congealed silicon in nine months:  

[I was] just standing there. The look on her face, I can’t even describe it. She was literally glowing. I thought she was about to say she made muffins or banana bread. Heidi said, ‘I’m pregnant.’ I was like, ‘Whoa, that’s way more exciting than banana bread!’  

The interview all but promises that this baby will die within its first five days. Pratt will mistake the baby for banana bread and stick it in the oven. They should be so lucky. That’s People Magazine cover story material. Montag then went on with the obligatory celebrity discussions about pregnancy as if she's in a select club: 

I’ve had really bad morning sickness since the beginning, but I’ve never been so happy to feel so sick! Every time I feel awful, I remember why and I’m just euphoric. It’s so fulfilling, and I’m mostly just grateful. I’ve been with the love of my life for 10 years, and now we’re starting our own family.  

The Montag / Pratt plague was first unleashed on MTV's The Hills. Montag went on to get ten plastic surgery procedures in one day. Now she looks like Caitlyn Jenner's daughter if surgical disfigurement was passed on to children. Anticipate a daily dose of baby updates from the couple. It's porn for women who call porn gross without any irony. Everybody's getting off to somebody else's kid doing something on camera.

_{Photo credit: Us Weekly}