Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: The House of the Dead

Arcades, with their truanting schoolchildren, lingering stench of piss and chunky ol' lightgun games, are a dying breed. They are still to be found across the world, but as neglected shadows of their former glory. Like Elvis during his ‘cheeseburger fatass' phase. Fear not, though, because the past lives on right here.

Today, we honor the bloodiest, violent-est and piss-poor-voice-acting-est arcade game of all: House of the Dead.

This lightgun shooter first arrived in Japan in 1996, hitting the rest of the world the following year. Naturally, it's a Time Crisis-esque co-op experience, with you and a buddy brandishing big ol' plastic guns and looking a little dickish while doing so. But with zombies on.

There's a distinct Resident Evil flavor to the plot. Strong enough to make Capcom's lawyers put on their ass-whuppin' pants, at that. Once again, mad scientists in a lonely mansion are breeding all manner of horrific beasts from the depths of the devil's dick. And once again, a small team of gun-tastic unfortunates are sent in to investigate.

Once again, an inevitable shitstorm breaks out.

You play as either Agent Thomas Rogan or his partner, the enigmatic ‘Agent G.' Arriving at the stricken mansion, the pair are given a convenient guide to the various mutants and their weakpoints (thanks, dead guy! That was convenient!) and set about taking the fight to the hellish horde. Cue that wanky plastic gun you've been holding.

If House of the Dead is know for anything, it's the variety of these bastards. Across the series, you'll find axe-wielding zombies, shirtless muscular punchy zombies, barrel-throwing fat zombies, sledgehammer zombies, chainsaw zombies, and far too many more besides. Then there's the bosses, as brilliantly designed as they are bowel-loosening. Have you ever seen a vomiting undead cyborg with a sword? Or a zombie spider with creeptastic finger ‘things' anywhere else? No. No you haven't.

The later console ports were notoriously half-assed, but House of the Dead was the classic arcade experience for many. This intentionally ridiculous, macabre and gory rail shooter spawned a number of sequels, and some bizarre spin-offs. Dr. Curien's moldy-crotched crew have since appeared in pinball games and even an English typing tutorial (yep, Typing of the Dead is a thing). You can't argue with a proud legacy like that. Apparently.

So let's party like it's 1996 and take a look at some fantastic blur-o-vision footage of the game in action. Watch out for the kind of jaggies that could take your bastard eye out, and the least realistic beard in gaming history.

Source of images: GameFAQs.