Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Space Channel 5

The Dreamcast was, as we say in Merry Old England, the dog's bollocks. Commercially, it died on its ass, with sub-par sales ensuring it'd be Sega's last attempt at a games console. But if you're in the market for some balls-out crazy, this was the system for you.

The Dreamcast backlog contains such cult classics as Seaman, the Leonard Nimoy-powered talking-fish-em-up. That sort of thing, you don't see every day. So what the hell would happen if it attempted a rhythm action game? The genre's always been a little nutty at the best of times, what with Parappa the Rapper and Vib Ribbon and all.

You haven't seen anything yet. Hold on to your butts, Space Channel 5 is coming at you.

United Game Artists thrust this one out of their weirdery-pipe in 2000. It's set five hundred years in the future, where bastard TV execs are at war with each other. Space Channel 5 is one of many TV stations, and is where player character Ulala works. This reporter has the funkiest moves the universe has seen since Michael Jackson did that badass leaning thing in the Smooth Criminal video, and she's going to need them.

You know how it is. You're sitting at your desk, scratching your ass, stealthily getting your Egotastic on while your boss bitches about that paper he asked you for a week ago. Before you know what the eff, a bizarre race of aliens called Morolians have landed. Their plot for world domination? Making everyone dance. You must rescue them, by... dancing yourself.

Well, sure. We've all been there.

You know how rhythm action works. As Ulala, you'll follow the up-y, down-y, left-y and right-y commands on the screen with the proper timing. It's all standard enough. But then --then-- the shoot-outs come in. In these parts of stages, hostages can be freed, and buckshot left in the asscheeks of the Morolians. It's novel, to say the least.

While all this is going on, you have to maintain Space Channel 5‘s ratings. Too many mistakes will make people switch off (presumably you're competing with some shitty rom-com on intergalactic Lifetime TV). As you slip up, you'll lose your score and hearts, and eventually have to restart the level.

Space Channel 5 is the sort of thing we remember the Dreamcast for. It wasn't exclusive, hitting the PS2 and Game Boy Advance a year or two later, but it's such a perfect fit for the ‘cast. That same spirit of toontastic cutesiness from Jet Grind Radio and the like run through it. Retroheads who missed out on this one should definitely check it out.