Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Hogs of War

Hogs of War is a brilliant amalgamation of three of our favorite things: crazy-ass Worms-esque cartoon violence, bacon, and shitty puns. You're going to want to put your pants back on and pay attention for this one. This is great stuff, right here.

Have you ever wanted to play an odd kind of spin-off of Team 17‘s much beloved strategy game? One that starred homicidal, anthropomorphic pigs in a World War One setting? Which was also narrated by Rik Mayall, nutty Brit comedian of Bottom and The Young Ones fame? Damn right you have. This, gentlemen, is that game.

Hogs of War was released for the original PlayStation in 2000, Infogrames' shot at taking the familiar Wormy goodness into 3D. It's rife with toontastic turn-based combat and piss-takery, but never quite achieved the success it deserved. So let's right that heinous wrong by having an effing good ogle at it. Right now.

Unusually for the genre, the single player campaign is the highlight. It's often a half-assed afterthought, with the local co-op business being where most of your time is spent. Not so here. The story brings us a world of pig-men at war, all vying for control of one small resource-rich area: the Isle of Swill. For hairy-assed pigs, naturally, this is like striking gold, and there's only one thing to do. Shoot the shit out of everyone ever to claim it for yourself.

You choose one of eight nations to play as. The US, British, Russians, French, Chinese etc are all here, and all represented by some hilariously questionable racial stereotypes. (Fourteen years ago, after all, the political correctness brigade weren't as desperate to slam their iron jackboot down on our gonads as they are today.) From there, you embark on a campaign of 25 missions, culminating with a big ol' battle on the Isle of Swill itself.

Fans of the Wormtastic will be right at home on the battlefield. Its piss-poor PS1 3D aside, you know the score. One of your squad members takes a turn to move, select a weapon from the menu, and attack. Your AI opponents then take their turn, and we cycle through the teams until one side's smouldering, defeated corpses litter the hillside in a mound of broken tears and defeat. Or, y'know, something.

So, yes. This turn-based deal is nothing new. What Hogs of War does bring to the table is some great between-missions customization. Victories and bonus objectives earn you Promotion Points, which you can use to improve your squad's skills. They all begin as Grunts (pun-tastically), but can advance through four different career paths. Engineers for close-quarters TNT bombing and shotguns to the face? Gunners with bazookas and fancy-ass mortars? These, along with healers and sneaky Scouts, can be yours in any combination you wish.

Eventually, they all reach the Hero class, which has max HP and is equipped with a goddamn airstrike. And a spangly monocle, for maximum upper class wankery. Until then, though, this system is great for replayability and trying different approaches to the stages.

Meanwhile, the multiplayer is also a thing that exists. It's a little limited, but it can end friendships just as effectively as a Mario Kart blue shell up the rectum on the final corner. When your last pig is casually knocked into a minefield by a dude with a cattle prod by an ‘ally', you're going to be pissed about it.

In short, Hogs of War is another lost classic that gave us the cancelled sequel middle finger. It's one that fans of turn-based strategy won't want to miss.