Forget Call of Duty, Real Men Need the Retro Love: Demon’s Souls

Yup. Once again, the standard disclaimer applies here: we're now counting 2009 as ‘retro.' But screw it. I make the rules here, buddy boy, and my word is law. You don't want to eff with me; I took a couple yoga classes a few years back and you can see my abs through my shirt.

If I want to class Demon's Souls as retro, I'm going to damn well do it. So jump on board and let's take a look.

The first of the dastardly Souls games hit PS3 six years ago, a console exclusive from From Software. It is, supposedly, a spiritual successor to the King's Field RPG series, in the same way that Bloodborne succeeded the Souls games. It's also an unholy pain in the ass, but we'll get into that later.

Demon's Souls is set in the kingdom of Boletaria, which is plagued by a mysterious and deadly fog that summons angry scrote-chewing demons. Which devour souls. Now, if that sounds like an all-round bad time, that's because it is. What the kingdom needs right about now is a hero, a studly dude able to slay these horrors and end the threat. That's you, right there.

As is often the case with RPGs, there's lots of character creation, classes to choose and sliders to dick about with before you set off. But once you've chosen the precise length and shade of nose hair you want your guy to sport, a truly epic and ball-bustingly difficult adventure awaits.

Fans of the series and/or those who have been getting their asses handed to them by Bloodborne recently will feel right at home here: you cruise around the big ol' non-linear environments, wanging all manner of fantasy creatures in the face and harvesting their souls. Souls are the game's currency, with which you can purchase new equipment and upgrade your character. Insert a giant slavering boss who wants to crush your skull into spam every so often along the way, and that's the Demon's Souls experience in a nutshell.

But let's not forget the deaths. The many, many freaking deaths. Like a modern Mega Man, this game does not take prisoners. It feels no remorse. It wants you to fail, and it will point and laugh with glee when you do so. A simple slip against an ordinary mob or two will see your health gone in a heartbeat, and boss battles are real slugfests. Pattern memorization is key, just like the bosses of Ye Olde gaming.

Sure, you'll end up crying in the fetal position once or twice during your Demon's Souls journey. But that old school challenge is exactly what today's games are often lacking, and this has helped the series become such a big freaking deal. The fantasy world is a beautiful playground to explore (when it isn't whupping your ass), too, and combined with the game's lore its aesthetic is second to none. New Bloodborne fans should check this one out for sure.