Egotastic! Interprets the Kim Kardashian Apology Letter For Those Who Don’t Speak Kardashian

Like trying to translate the Ancient Greek poets into modern languages, there's simply some deep meaning lost without the original words. Unless you speak Kardashian, you probably read the words of the Kim Kardashianapology letter, but perhaps missed what was actually being said. Having studied Kim now since the day she was celebrity baptized by Ray J's number one, we can provide a Kardashian-to-English translation:

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write.
I haven't written more than 'LOL' and 'Luvs' in five years.

I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time.
Suckers.

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it's hard not to see all the negative ones.
I don't really read, but I watched Bruce reading and he looked really mad.

First and foremost, I married for love. I can't believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show!
Ignore the fact that I spend ALL my time just for a TV show and what I just wrote might seem plausible.

I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it's who I am!
Negotiations with E! Channel were brutal, but they finally showed us the money.

We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments. These were all real moments. That's what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!
We have no shame whatsoever.

Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a hopeless romantic!
I give head on the first date if you're a pro baller.

I love with all of my heart and soul.
I've got lots of love to give. Call my mom and she'll give you a good rate.

I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have.
I've suffered to keep my waist smaller than my tits and ass and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some dude ask me to go get him a Coke from the fridge.

I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people.
Our TV contract held 50% of the money back until after the wedding

I'm being honest here...
As opposed to before.

...and I hope you respect my courage because this isn't easy to go through.
Despite what it seems, humiliating yourself for money isn't all cocks and gravy.

But I do know that I have to follow my heart.
I mention my heart a lot, it makes me seem earnest.

I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions...
I borrowed this from Lindsay's speech in court.

...and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn't turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.
Wait, is King Midas a fairy tale?

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this.
I made eighteen thousand thousands!

I'm so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I'll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.
As in, in your dreams are you getting your Williams-Sonoma waffle iron back.

I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart I believe now that I really am.
It's not like I killed Ron and Nicole. Get over it already.