Egotastic! Helps You Not Eff Up Valentine’s Day Shopping (And Helps You ‘Git Some’)

Let's be completely honest here -- Valentine's Day is the single most horrid day of the year for men. I mean, unless your iPhone calendar is showing a back to back booking of a prostate exam and an IRS audit, this is pretty much the lamest day of the year, when, as in the prostate exam or audit, you're forced to smile through the pain.

But, now, some blessed relief, courtesy of some one-click shopping (you must do now, I mean, right now) for your lady that won't cost you much, will relieve you of the hell-on-earth known as a trip to the mall, and just might, I say, might, get you some tender vittles on the 14th.

FIVE THINGS TO BUY HER ONLINE:

Flowers. Just do it. It's the ABC of Valentine's. You can go solo with the flowers, or, Mr. Money Bags, make it an add-on. And if you want bonus points in the boudoir, have them sent to her place of work. You see, Valentine's is not about what you buy her, it's about her showing her friends and coworkers that you 'wuv' her. (This statement is not intended to imply that women act like little children, but, on Valentine's, oh, hell yeah.)

Nothing Says 'I'm Gittin' Some Tonight Quite Like Red Roses

Comfy super cozy upscale bean bag chairs. I'm telling you now, bean bag chairs for two lead directly to the bedroom for two, or, you know, these Sumo Lounge Chairs do stand up well to the knocking of the boots themselves, and it's a highly romantic type gift. We have them around our office here and I've been hit on twice by Phan from Tech. Get her a cozy lounge chair for two and you'll be sewing your oats, that's an almost guarantee.

Buy a Sweet Sumo Lounge Chair, Feel Her Cushions

Bling. No, you don't need to spend a fortune, but you do need to buy it now if you want to be wrapping it around her neck, wrist, or, well, you kinky bastards can buy jewelry for pretty much any party of the body. Girls love shiny objects; when their man bestows them upon them, they melt into a primordial procreative stew. Yeah, you could buy her a fancy dinner and spend the same amount, but a month from now, are you more likely to be getting lucky after she sees her bling in the mirror or by you mentioning how amazing the Veal Marsala was one month prior? Right.

Bedorn Her With Jewels, And She'll Be Buffing Your Gemstones


Get her a romantic movie that you can stomach. You know we've already put out a ball-based fatwah on going to see The Vow; you simply can't do this to yourself. But you can order in some food and present her with a Rom-Com that will make her go weak in the thighs and one that you can actually enjoy for 90-minutes of passive foreplay. Love Actually is actually a good movie. And, we almost guarantee it to win the evening for you. DO NOT ask her to pick out the movie. You will pay for that.

Get Her a Romantic Movie You Can Stomach


Body Lotions. Here's the deal, DO NOT buy perfumes, because you'll get her something she assumes smells like your old girlfriend. And DO NOT buy body oils or massage oils, because she's not dumb and she knows what you're thinking. Body lotions are the happy medium. Chicks dig lotion. They worry about the softness of their skin the way Scrooge McDuck worried about money. Some sweet semi-expensive exotic body lotions tells her you care about something you really couldn't care less about. And that kind of blind thoughtfulness is a total game changer on Valentine's Day evening. Trust.

Super Fancy Foreign Type Body Lotions

Yep, five simple ideas to conjugal bliss, turning Valentine's Day into an event you can actually look forward to for once. It's like the 14-point turnaround in football, and nothing's more exciting than knowing you did not eff up when your fellow bro's are epically failing all about you. Enjoy.