Dakota Johnson Might Suck

The daughter of two celebrities being out-of-touch with reality isn't the shocker of the century, but Dakota Johnson (offspring of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) is giving entitled not really talented but I guess okay looking celeb offspring everywhere a bad name with her new nauseating statements in Tatler. It's a shame too, because while Dakota's face isn't quite there, her body is great, and she got sexually abused by a rapist in those movies so, you know, she's a partier. #BDSMetoo.

Johnson queefs on about her relationship with Goop's remains, Chris Martin, as well as on getting slutty in her movies:

Playing sexual characters is interesting to me. I find it powerful… I’ve always been fascinated by women who are in touch with their sexuality, who are proud of it, who are not passive about it.

Nothing was more powerful or inspiring than seeing Johnson's Anastasia get loaded up with Ben Wa balls in Fifty Shades: Darker. But none of this can prepare you for Johnson's thoughts on seeing a therapist since the age of three:

I was just playing with toys with someone in an office, you know … It’s not news that my parents had some troubling moments and I think [they wanted] just to make sure that I was safe, because they cared. I love therapy. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Truly. Everyone should be in therapy … I have been in therapy so long that I go to the therapist that the therapists go to. I can psychoanalyze myself and then I’m like, ‘Well, but I’m still here. So, now what?'

Let's repeat:

I have been in therapy so long that I go to the therapist that the therapists go to. I can psychoanalyze myself and then I’m like, ‘Well, but I’m still here. So, now what?'

Whoever can say this with a straight face has had one too many Ben Wa balls up the ol' keister. And the quote is on the magazine's cover no less. The question we need to be asking is - does the editor of Tatler hate Dakota Johnson. It's like Johnson thumbed through Lena Dunham's memoir while binging Woody Allen movies right before heading off to her interview. It's a damn shame too. Because again. The face. God bless. But the body. I'll give Johnson something to discuss with her therapist. Right, um, fellas?