Cats: The Silent Killer

A new study in Nature Communications (not to be confused with Highlights for Children, though still found in most allergist's office) posits that 'cats kill billions of birds every year and even more tiny rodents and other mammals', once again proving my theory: Cats are the worst.

I'm not sure why anyone likes cats. Have you noticed that whenever a cat owner wants you to understand why they appreciate their feline companion they always say, 'Oh, well he's just like a dog.' Well then go off and buy an f'ing dog. If that's the whole selling point, why get the cat in the first place? And now that we realize they're killing as much as '15 percent of the total bird population'? Screw 'em. Sure, birds can be kind of annoying in the morning and they defecate from the skies and all over my car the day after I got a car wash, but at least they're pretty. Because you know damn well that these cats aren't out there killing pigeons but some helpless, beautiful blue jay or hummingbird or some such breed of aves.

So the next time you're at the local shelter, and you're debating between getting a puppy or a kitten, do yourself a favor, do your family a favor, and stay clear of these killing machines. Mother Nature implores you.