Beast Names Baby

Our little girl, True Thompson, has completely stolen our hearts and we are overwhelmed with LOVE. Such a blessing to welcome this angel into the family! Mommy and Daddy loooooove you True!

A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on Apr 16, 2018 at 12:15pm PDT

After Kylie Jenner named her baby after a stripper who fucked the president, Beast Kardashian didn't really stand a chance in christening her foal with the year's stupidest baby name. Or so I thought. Beast took to Instagram to share the name of the baby she had days after her boyfriend Tristan Thompson banged the one and only stripper he's ever hooked up with ::wink:: in New York City. And she settled on True Thompson.

The first name's not much of a shocker. Kris Jenner held a focus group with Khloé's millions of bot Insta followers to see what baby name they responded to, and when presented with "True" they all enthusiastically replied "Like Back For 1000 Followers!" Celebrities and porn star baby names are here to stay, and True isn't the worst of them. But the last name. Thompson. Tristan Thompson was fucking whores days before witnessing Khloé scare the living shit out of doctors while birthing a monster. His monster. And now the baby carries his namesake, which kind of makes sense considering it won't be long before she's having unprotected sex with NBA players. The circle of life.

One of my co-workers said that they named the kid True Thompson to carry on the Kardashian alliteration legacy while another said that it's because Tristan is worth more than Khloé. I say it's because to not choose the father's name - even though they're not married - would have insinuated strife in Khloé's perfect Insta life. And she needs that cachet to sell girdles and herbal tea laxatives. Another woman to have an athlete's baby out of wedlock. Magical.

Photo Credit: Instagram / Pacific Coast News