Poor Khloé

A post shared by Jamie Lynn Spears (@jamielynnspears) on Apr 12, 2018 at 9:00am PDT

This is a huge day for celebritydom, because the one and only social media star and overall media mogul herself, Jamie Lynn Spears, has given birth. In related news, some cow queefed out a calf in Cleveland. But back to the real star of today. The legend, the superstar, the Mrs. Jamie Motherfucking Lynn Spears. According to the Internet, Spears is still alive, and her and her husband christened their baby with an adequately white trash name to go along with Jamie Lynn - Ivey Joan:

We are beyond excited to welcome this beautiful baby girl to our family! Her middle name, Joan, is to honor my Aunt Sandra, who passed away 10 years ago from ovarian cancer. She was the most graceful woman I’ve ever known.

While we await Ivey Joan's TLC reality series "I'm Five Years Old And Pregnant" we might as well get to that cow. Beast Kardashian ended up letting her cheating boyfriend into the delivery room - because nothing says "father material" like hooker vag breath - and even though Spears is the real star of today, I managed to find a couple outlets covering the event. JK. People are acting like Khloé is the first woman to ever have a cheating professional athletes' child out of wedlock. What a magical moment. According to an anonymous insider named Kris Jenner:

Khloe labored with [mom Kris Jenner] yesterday at the hospital. Tristan was there for the birth. He has practice today, but will spend as much time at the hospital as possible. Everyone is focused on what’s best for their baby girl. Khloe is being the bigger person and letting Tristan bond with their baby.

Beast honestly seems to have about as much respect for herself as we have for her, and there's something very tragic about popping out a kid while your cheating boyfriend is next to you swiping right on PlentyOfSkanks.com. You kind of imagine her sobbing through the entire process. Khloé's big day forever tinged with sadness. Haha.

Mommy and Daddy @sashasamsonova

A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on Mar 26, 2018 at 6:50am PDT

Photo Credit: Instagram