Prepare for the Sexy Onslaught of Frankenstorm on Your Shores and on Every Facebook Status Update

Who is the lucky SOB over at the National Weather Service (or NWS as we on the inside like to call it) who gets to name storm systems? Who is he and why has he not been fired? Sandy?! Really? You're going to name a storm after my strawberry blond, asexual kindergarten teacher? Because that's the imagery 'Sandy' puts in my head. If you're calling for a perfect Frankenstorm to decimate the East Coast, why not call it Hurricane Snake-Eyes or Hurricane Shitkicker, or if you really want a good name for something involving falling water that's got the entire eastern seaboard petrified, horrified and repulsed, why not just call it Hurricane Sandusky?

But the sobriquet notwithstanding, what annoys me more than anything about this, is that your stupid little Hurricane has completely taken over my Facebook newsfeed. While I'm glad to not have to look at your stupid baby pics anymore (Sorry honey, but I see our kid every day), having it replaced with Instagram photos of clouds is not really an improvement. This past weekend was 'Adult' Halloween (translation: go out Saturday night in costume and get wasted). You know what that means? It means that my newsfeed should literally be littered with hundreds of photos of my hot friends and their even hotter friends standing around in 30 degree weather with less clothing on than the star of a snuff film.

I'm really excited that you've 'bought a generator' or 'stocked up on batteries' and that 'baby emma is nervous for her first hurricane! lol rofl omg', but guess what? Baby Emma is not nervous. She's a God damn baby. My dog has a better understanding of weather patterns than your child. Facebook, Twitter and the internet helped topple a regime in Egypt. Social media can change the world. And you're using it to liveblog rain. Congratulations.

Don't wake me about this unless the storm is going to hit New York with enough thrust to topple the Statue of Liberty, which is apparently what anyone who watches a movie needs to see happen in order to understand what's actually occuring.

Like here:

Or shall we say like here: