New Study Links Part of the Brain to Selfishness. Or Maybe Some People Are Just A**Holes

A new study from the University of Zurich (my  alma mater) claims to have discovered a link between brain function and altruism. The study looked at the amount of gray matter between the temporal and parietal lobe and found higher amount in those that acted selflessly and conversely, less with those subjects in the study that acted like jerks. It's a lot of neural mumbo jumbo to me. Science is always looking for biological excuses to explain why humans are such gross, horrible people (I'm looking at you glandular obese study). Sometimes the explanation of why someone might act like a selfish a-hole is that there is no explanation. Some people merely suck.

While the Swiss may just be looking for a scientific explanation for why they sat out WWII, spending the 1940s swishing down the alps on skis while eating chocolates and putting holes in my cheese, I don't think their study takes into account these particular brand of jackasses that we must face as daily inconveniences:

Indecisive Starbucks Customer I know you're just going to sit in the corner for the next three hours working on your sci-fi screenplay trilogy about alien clones who travel back in time to save the earth from robots (Well too bad because I already wrote that one. Ha!), but some of us have jobs to get to, so if you could possibly think about what you're going to order on the huge line we've been waiting in before you get to the barista (also working on their own screenplay), I'd really appreciate it. The hemming and hawing over which bullshit latte you're going to order doesn't help anyone.

Snooty Elevator Passenger Unless your hands are full of grocery bags (or if you're exceedingly attractive) please do not just get on an elevator I'm riding in and tell me to hit a floor for you. Are your hands broken? Did you lose your pointer finger in a horrific smelting accident? If the answer is no then you are quite capable of reaching out and pushing your floor for yourself.

Street Crossing OCD Guy Please. Stop. Hitting. The. Button. You've only got to hit it once man. I'm sure you've got plenty of really important places to go, but repeatedly slapping the cross button at the crosswalk doesn't speed the light up.

Left Turn Blinker Guy Are...are you going to turn, or...? I've been stuck behind you for half a mile and your blinking light is giving me a seizure faster than those japanese cartoons.

Steadfast New Parent I know you love your child. But no one else does. So while you may able to tune out its shrieking cries at the restaurant you've brought it to because you were too cheap to get a sitter, no one else can. So instead of toning your progeny out as you try to talk to your husband about what great parents you are, put the fork down, stand up and take the damn kid outside so I can enjoy my Weinershnitzel in peace!

Tell us who are the people who ruin life for you?