Mastermind Of The Day: Michael Henson – The Van Lover

In honor of the wayward criminals of the comedy, Masterminds, in theaters September 30, we're taking a look at some of our world's most inept, clumsy, and dumb-ass criminals.

I live in New York City so a couple of years ago I decided to get rid of my car. It was a tough decision but the right one to make. I loved that car. There is nothing wrong with that. A lot of us, particularly men, are attached to our cars. While there is nothing wrong with loving your car, it is definitely not OK to love your car. That is something that Dayton, OH resident Michael Henson found out the hard way when he tried to make sweet sweet love to the grille of a red van. One night a few weeks ago some ladies were walking through a parking lot when they saw a man in his underwear having sex...no...raping a van. I'm pretty sure the van was non-consenting. They called the cops and they found Henson in fragrante delicto with the automobile. The worst part is that it isn't even his van. It belonged to someone else. 

I suppose if you are going to have sex with a car the grille is a relatively safe bet. The tailpipe seems like an obvious choice but that gets really hot. Depending on the grille that can stay cool. Then again, I don't think Henson was thinking clearly seeing as he was intoxicated and was raping a van. I know there are a lot of people out there that are into some freaky things. Being sexually attracted to objects is a thing now, I guess. Just do it in the privacy of your own home with your own car. A little discretion, people. 

See the Masterminds trailer.