Would You Trust This Pony-Tailed Man?

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Do not trust dudes with ponytails. They are either overstaying their welcome in your guest house, banging your wife behind your back, or taking twenty minutes at the convenience store counter buying a ton of Scratchers and condoms. I've got scientific research on this kind of analysis. 

Mario Batali just had to pay $5 Mill + to a bunch of servers at his restaurants because he was shaving off the tops of their tips for years and years. Anybody who's ever worked in a service job counting on tips knows what a scumbaggery kind of ill-doing it is for the boss to start sharing in your measly, but hard-earned wealth. We could blame a poor upbringing, avarice, blind greed. But today, we're blaming the ponytail.