The Weekly WTF: ‘Minority Report- Everybody Runs’ Sucks So Much That It Doesn’t Suck

Now, let's be frank here: there are a lot of shitty movies and video games. When the two collide, there's usually a black hole of pure shit-tacular, insatiable and unstoppable until it has eaten all the horrible crap in the cosmos. (Or, as you may know it, Superman 64.)

It's easy to suck. Suck is all over the damn place. But only a select few are elevated to ‘so bad it's good' status. Minority Report: Everybody Runs is one of them. Buckle up, gentlemen. It's going to be a bumpy, hilarious and completely demented ride.

First off, this isn't about a disgruntled worker in a laxative factory spiking everybody's drinks. You're confusing it with Everybody Has the Mothereffin' Runs. It's a Minority Report game-of-the-film-of-the-book-with-the-short-story-in-which-was-called-something-else. The movie, you'll remember, was pretty damn good. It certainly didn't deserve to share its name with this slice of shite.

Gripe #1: who the hell is this guy? If we're going to be playing as John Anderton, we want to be playing as John goddamn Anderton. I demand Tom Cruise, Scientologising, jumping on couches screamingly like the mad, mad little bastard he is, generally being awesome. Oh, Tom, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind! Hey Tom! Hey Tom! But nope. His likeness being a license stretch too far, we've instead got a hero who looks and sounds like Clancy Brown.

Gripe #2: I'd call Minority Report a thinking man's action movie. Sure, there are explodey spiders explodinating everywhere and some rather fancy car chases, but that took a backseat. Philip K. Dick's determinism vs free will business translated well. Everybody Runs, though, doesn't give a sweet eff about any of that. Instead, we're just punching and/or shooting face. So much face, they considered changing the subtitle to Everybody Gets Their Freakin' Face Punched.

It's a simple beat ‘em up at heart, which isn't anything too interesting in and of itself. It would be a bland ballache of a game, if not for the setting and the weaponry. Everybody Runs arms our not-Tom-Cruise hero with a range of suitably high-tech devices, mostly sound-based weapons to render enemies unconscious rather than effing dead. Combined with the ‘realistic' ragdoll effects, this makes for some of the funniest and most sadistic gaming you'll ever experience.

In one stage, a motley crew of mall punks will attack you. They'll taunt with ‘my grandma could take a punch better than you!' and other such bastardry. As you settle their hash by sending them on their asses with your airzooka thing, before heaving them through a tenth-storey window, you begin to appreciate this damn game right here.

By all conventional measures, Everybody Runs sucks ass, but man is it ridiculous and entertaining. Check this out, for instance: