The Real Reason Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Are Getting Divorced

As I'm sure you've heard, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced. Even remote tribes in the Brazilian rain forest know it by now. While some people are  shocked and and dismayed that Joey from Dawson's Creek left Maverick, I'm not surprised one bit. There has long been a rumor that Cruise has his wives sign a contract that in exchange for helping them with their career, they stay married to him for 5-10 years. Allegedly this is because he needs a beard to convince people he's not gay. I don't think he's gay and I have no idea if he makes them sign a contract. I do think that these ladies get out before he implants a chestburster in their womb.

Have you seen Prometheus yet? Well, it kind of sucked. However, it did give me some insight into the Cruise-Holmes breakup. We all know that Cruise is a level 8 "clear" Scientologist who can fly. This is because he is secretly a reincarnated alien that was murdered millions of years ago by the galactic overlord Xenu. In Prometheus (spoiler alert), one of the characters comes in contact with the aliens and impregnates another character with a chestbursting alien with his extraterrestrial spunk. I think that Cruise's alien sperm takes 5-10 years to gestate in his mating ducts and he tried to plant his Xenomorph in Katie's belly. Good for you for getting away Katie before that thing tore itself out of your abdomen during the Oscars and ruined that lovely Dolce and Gabbana dress.