The Church Hates Those Stupid Hoverboards Too

A priest in the Philippines is in deep sanctimonious doodoo with his parish after he glided around his church on one of those ridiculous hoverboard things during Christmas mass. He has been disciplined and the Church promises it won't happen again. I fully support the Church in this action. Why? Because I hate those damn things. First of all, let's all stop calling them hoverboards. They're not. A hoverboard is what Marty McFly uses in Back to the Future 2. It HOVERS which is the operative word. These contraptions are on wheels and are basically the skateboard version of a Segway. Secondly, they are super douchey. They are illegal where I live in New York City but that doesn't stop every other a-hole kid from gliding around the sidewalk on them being a menace to everyone around them. Oh, and they catch on fire. 

I think the Church should go one step further and excommunicate any member that uses one. If you so much as climb on top of one you will spend eternity getting anally penetrated by demons in Hell. Too harsh? Not harsh enough.