St. Valentine Is Dead, Have Some Chocolate

Today is Valentine's Day, (in case you forgot there is still time to go buy a gift). It's the one day a year in which it is an unforgivable sin to not buy a bunch of crap for your the person you sleep with on the regular. It's also when the crushing sense of loneliness smothers single people with a singular intensity. More than any other holiday, Valentine's Day seems to stir up intense emotions. People either really love it or loathe it. How did we get to this point? Is the state of our relationships so volatile that we need a special day in which we have to give flowers and gifts like we did something wrong? It's like we've all been banging our secretaries and are trying to keep our wives from suing us for divorce. I'll tell you how we got here. Here are some facts about Valentine's Day you may not have known.

Who the F is St. Valentine?

St. Valentine was a real dude. He was an early Christian priest working in Rome in the 3rd century C.E. At the time, being a Christian was illegal and usually led to the lion pit in the arena. It was against Roman law to marry people in the Church. Valentine  conducted secret weddings in the sewers underneath Rome, (romantic, huh?). The emperor Claudius found out and threw V-shizzle in prison. After a couple of years Claudius figured that marrying a few Christians wasn't so bad and decided that he might let St. Valentine go. Then Valentine made a huuuuge mistake and tried to convert Claudius. Give up worshiping idols and participating in orgies? No way! All of you V-Day haters can take comfort in the fact that St. Valentine was beaten to death with clubs and beheaded for his trouble. The Church later set his feast day on February 14th.

Sweet Success

Valentine's Day is one of the most lucrative days for the candy industry along with Halloween and Easter. Billions of dollars in chocolate and other sweet treats are sold American lovers. But how did it start? In the 19th century doctors prescribed chocolate to people suffering from broken hearts. Unlike other 1800's quackery, this actually has a bit of truth to it. Chocolate contains a chemical called Phenylethylamine that releases endorphins in the brain. This chemical is also released in large quantities when you have an orgasm or fall in love. So, if you are alone today, just eat a couple of Nestle Crunch bars and feel better.

All The Pretty Flowers

Another business that makes a killing on Valentine's Day is the floral industry. Decorative flowers are an important export that pumps billions of dollars into the economies of several Latin American countries where they are grown along with bananas, coffee, and cocai...um...sugarcane. over 150 million roses will be delivered today to guys and gals, often at their place of work. It's estimated that 15% of women send themselves flowers from fake boyfriends so they don't feel like losers. I've never really understood the whole love and flowers thing. Sure, they are pretty but they will die in a couple of days. Aren't you basically saying that your love will not last?

Engagements And Babies

V-Day is a popular day to pop the question. What better way to say, "Hey I love ya, babe" than to ask her not screw anyone else for the rest of her life and join you in getting a tight tax break? An estimated 220,000 guys and gals will get on their knees and ask for their lover's hand in marriage. It's also often the day that many of us are conceived. Not surprisingly, there is a lot of bumpin' and grindin' that goes on today. If you have a birthday in November, chances are your parents did it on or around Valentine's Day. You may not want to know that, but it's true. Think about it this way, it's a gift you don't have to pay for...at first. The money you spend on raising the kid and the emotional price of having your dreams crushed comes later.

Yo, Julie

Shakespeare set the most famous love story of all time, Romeo and Juliet, in the city of Verona, Italy. Willy Shakes figured that it was a more romantic setting than stinky Elizabethan London. Every year the city gets over a thousand letters that delusional people send to Juliet. I guess they don't realize that A) She is fictional and B) Even if she had been real she would have been dead for 500 years. But whatever. People ask Juliet to bless them in love and help them find a mate. It's a good play, don't get me wrong. But I wonder if people have ever really think about the story. A 17 year-old boy falls in love with a 13 year-old girl and their 3 day relationship leads to six deaths. Swoon?