Sauron Is Alive And Well In Texas

The safety of our schools is of paramount importance, especially because of tragic shootings and other horrible acts of violence. But sometimes schools are too cautious. Nine year old Jason Stewart of Kermit, TX, (yes, KERMIT, TX), has been suspended from school for threatening his friend with the One Ring. He claims to possess the master ring that rules them all that was forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the evil Lord Sauron during the second age of Middle Earth. How a kid from bumeffing nowhere Texas got a hold of the One Ring is anyone's guess. He threatened to make his friend disappear and the school took it as a terror threat. Stewart's father made a statement saying,

"I assure you my son lacks the magical powers necessary to threaten his friend's existence. If he did, I'm sure he'd bring him right back."

But what if he IS Sauron come back to life in the form of a precocious scamp in Texas? I mean, if the Dark Lord did return what better place would serve as the new Mordor than Texas? And I say that as a proud native Texan, BTW. That's why I fear what damage the One Ring could do in the Lone Star State. Seriously, someone needs to search his room, get it away from this Texan Gollum, and throw that thing in the nearest volcano.