Reese Witherspoon Still Married, Still Hot, Still Making Cousin Jonathan Cry

Literally, I've never seen a man so in crush before with a girl he has no shot at as poor Cousin Jonathan. I mean, of course I've seen unrequited lust before; and I definitely know guys who imagine that Miranda Kerr is their girlfriend (me, thrice daily, in the coat closet here). But the way Cousin Jonathan sits here in his own pile of tears, especially since Reese Witherspoon tied the knot once again with her agent or manager or somebody works who with him or something. Well, the ShamWow has been working overtime here, sopping up the sobbing remnants of a man who believes he's lost his shot at a celebrity hottie forever. It's sad on one level, but we still mock him, of course. Especially given how extra hot Reese Witherspoon has been looking since her wedding night of continuously making the sexy, even just strutting about Brentwood not in jogging clothes. Enjoy.