Randy Jackson Takes A Hit

Randy Jackson is divorcing his wife of eighteen years, which comes as a shock to the gay men of America claiming him as one of their own since Genesis. Jackson never got a prenup, most likely because at the time of marriage all he owned were some skinny jeans, an out of tune bass, and a large private stash of insulin. American Idol earned him a profit of $5 million a year because white America always needs a black dude to languish pre teens with ebonics in a non threatening fashion while dressed like the dork in biology. His net worth is reportedly upward of $40 million dollars, meaning his parents no longer consider him a disappointment after leaving the church quire to slang synth pop in the payola days of cocaine induced mediocrity. Jackson will apparently still be on good terms with his wife until her car mysteriously gets smashed by a freight train at a railroad crossing in the dead of night.

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