‘Quantum Break’ Pirates Face Ridiculous Piratey Justice

  Back in the day, piracy was a very different beast. We’re talking about those dastardly and bastardly seamen who swashed their buckles (whatever the hell that means), murderized goodly seamen with their cutlasses and pistols and drank look-ma-no-liver amounts of rum on tropical islands. It sounds like a pretty damn good gig to me, all told.  

Still, it’s not all as fun and games as the Pirates of the Caribbean movies may tell you. Johnny Depp dicking about in a wig doesn’t quite convey the full horrors of a pirate’s life. That dude with the wooden eye is a lil’ closer though; there were stray limbs and miscellaneous body parts flying about all over the damn place. That was the reality of it. That, and scurvy.

As such, you might prefer the life of a modern-day pirate. The whole ‘stealing shit’ meaning of the world is still intact, just the methods have changed. The problem’s rife in the movie, music and video game industries, and all kinds of different anti-piracy tactics have been used.

Gaming does this best, I think, with a full on assault of pure balls-out snark. If your copy of Serious Sam 3 wasn’t legit, for instance, you’d be stalked through the whole damn game by a giant, murderous, eat-your-cheeks scorpion thing that was completely invulnerable. Fun, this does not sound.

The spangly new Quantum Break is slightly subtler than that, but it’s still pissed at pirates. As Kotaku reports, pirated copies of the game will get an involuntary ‘eye patch patch’ which gives the player character that iconic piece of pirate costumery.

I see what they did there, and I like it.