Billionaire Barbie Dresses Up for Oxygen Upfronts

Egotastic! True Confession: I saw Billionaire Barbienot long ago. She was entering a building to meet with her attorney or plastic surgeon (just a guess as to why Paris Hilton might be entering an office building.)  True to form, she was walking at a blonde snail's pace from curbside to doorway for maximum paparazzi exposure. She turned toward each cameraman with protractor type precision, smiling with the facial muscle control of a high-priced call girl, and, that perfect distant stare. Who the heck was she looking at across the horizon? Where did she learn this blank-eyed model stare? What was she thinking about as her steely eyes rolled into the back of her head like a celebrity whore shark going in for the kill. Needless to say, I couldn't control my Egotastic! urges and I yelled out, "Paris, Paris, look over here." Billionaire Barbie turned my way awaiting another perfect picture, and, oh, snap, she saw me sticking my tongue out, no camera in hand. Man, oh, man, did I get the evil stare of death. It's possible I slightly moistened my shorts. Do not fuck with Paris, my peeps.

The girl does clean up well. Despite all the recent allegations of being a teenaged girl living somewhere between Valley of the Dolls and Less Than Zero, Paris has grown into a perfectly poised robotic type red carpet strutter, here hitting the Oxygen channel upfronts in not one, but two different gowns that individually cost more than the entire department at Target where I clothes shop. Still, give credit where it's due -- no denying the heiress has it going on today. Enjoy.