On Justin Bieber’s Facial Hair

I remember when I was eleven years old a dirty smudge of facial hair appeared above my lip. Yes, I was eleven. I come from Cuban/Jewish stock which are the two greatest beard growing ethnicities of all time. Anyway, my grandfather immediately taught me how to shave because I looked like a trailer trash child molester. This same white trash 'stache exists on the smug little weasel face of Justin Bieber. I realize that he IS White Trash from Canada but there is no reason to celebrate it. I realize that he may just now be going through puberty and that he's excited that he is finally becoming a little fancy man but it just looks bad. I know he's surrounded by yes men that aren't going to tell him that he looks like a couch rapist. Well, I'm here to tell you Justin, you look like a trailer park loser.

It's time to shave that crap off your face, Justin. I will start a Kickstarter campaign to buy you a lifetime supply of shaving razors. It's bad enough that we have to look on your smug little pixie face without looking at that anemic pubes garden above your lip.