Manimals: What is Mother Nature’s Manliest Creature? #3- The Hippopotamus

Yes indeed. Humble hippopotami aren't the most shit-stains in your tighty-whities of beasts at first glance, but their innocuous appearance deceives. A bastion of most dangerous motherf--kers on the planet indexes, these are not the garishly-hued merry funsters popularized by that craptastic Hungry Hungry Hippos game. They're hungry hungry, we'll concede, but only for MAN-GORE AND BLOOD-BLEEDING VIOLENCE.


Behold the mouths of these bitches, as photographed by Friedrich Redelinghuys above. That's all kinds of holy shit right there.

One would venture that simply weighing up to 3 tonnes, thus being a veritable freight train of fatass barrel body, humongous pendulous nutsacks and the kind of halitosis that could send a dead horse into a coma would suffice. Alas, Satan further decreed that these bastards need the largest, razor-toothiest maw in the cosmos. Perhaps he then raised his middle finger and cackled in schadenfreude as he unleashed these mothers on us. We just don't know. Nevertheless, it is actual irrefutable KNOWLEDGE-FACT that the ravaging teeth of hippos can penetrate the protective scaly ass of a crocodile, and its delicate squishy reptile bollocks, with disconcerting ease. The piteous specimen here was innocently cruising to the local McDonalds for a quarter pounder or twenty when what can only be described as a massive shitstorm of hippos got all up in his business for no fathomable reason.

The ghastly denouement -a few meager fleshly fragments and half a croco-testicle bobbing atop the bloodstained water- begs the query: What in the name of Satan's foreskin is the deal with these angry bastards? They are, first and foremost, herbivores (tales of their devouring carrion are, allegedly, aberrations. Presumably, too, these shenanigans are attempts to further bolster their badassery quotient. "Meat?Nuts to it. We tried it once, gave us the shits for a week. My asshole is still as red as an baboon's. However, we will, on occasion, deign to stamp lesser beast's crotches into the muddy, piss-stained ground and chew on their eyeballs."). These monstrosities have accrued an egregious reputation as the most feared creatures in Africa, as aggressive as a bear in the throes of a migraine. With its furry bear-balls in a mousetrap.

The hippopotamus mantra: if it moves, chase it. If you catch it, savage it. If you've savaged it, take a victorious crap upon the squelchy remains, then retire homeward for some celebratory masturbation.

Allegedly, their belligerent nature owes to a twofold territorial/infant defense instinct. It's infinitely more entertaining to conclude that these bitches are simply f--king crazy. which they are. The hippopotamus largely expends its time wrestling alligators/Tyrannosaurus Rexes/Arnold Schwarzeneggers and pursuing African gentlemen with vigorous gusto for no reason at all. There's an alarmingly prolific attack/cranium stomping death toll amongst human victims, with scant provocation in some cases. They also, it bears mentioning, whirl their tails in propeller blade-esque fashion while taking a dump, to ensure that their shit is spread absolutely goddamn everywhere. ("Why, yes. A few fleeting flecks of my crap did hit you in the eyeball. I'm a hippo, and, thus, can do whatever the shit -if you'll pardon the pun- I want.")

There are reports that some of ancient Egypt's revered Pharaohs were among these bastard's victims. What chance do us mere not-even-scarcely-royal menfolk have?