In the Wake of the Breakup, Selena and I Ask For Some Privacy, Por Favor

I think we've all read by now of Selena Gomez and her messy breakup with the androgynous YouTube star she has been allowing to defile her with his little tiny paws for the past two years. It's been a very rough time for Selena, and as you can imagine, she's needed a shoulder to lay her weary head upon, a bridge to traverse her troubled waters, a rebound penis, and the like.

I've been fortunate enough to fill that role for the petite and sweet Latina diva. I ask now that you give us some space as Selena works out her issues, in her underpants, at my studio apartment, on various forms of both prescribed and anecdotally recommended medications. Thanks.