Hulk Sex Tape Unfortunately is of Hulk Hogan and Not of Bruce Banner with Black Widow

Remember that time back when you were in third grade, watching WWF on a Saturday afternoon? You and your friends had on your red Hulkmania tank tops, playing with your Mattel wrestler action figures while Paul Bearer led the Undertaker towards the ring with his urn. And then you casually turned to your friend and said, 'Hmm, I wonder what Hulk Hogan would look like having sex while secretly being filmed?' You may even have tried this out by thrusting your Hulk doll on top of your sister's Barbie and observing the effects. You guys know what I'm saying, right? I mean...I mean, right?

Sure you do. That's why you're so excited that Gawker has released a minute of the Hulk Hogan sex tape with a play-by-play of each horrid sexy detail that would make 'Mean' Gene Okerlund proud. In the minute of the half-hour tape featured, you also learn the very valuable lesson: The only thing less arousing than watching Hulk Hogan get horizontal with a lady, is to listen to him complain about how much he ate right before. 

And while the image is a little grainy and in B&W, the voice and hairline of the Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando-star is immediately recognizable. But it's good to see that Hulk always puts family first, disengaging from getting a tongue lashing down under to check his phone incase it's his son Nick Hogan and then rushing home after the deed was done to get home to meet up with him. Because at the end of the day, it's all about family.

I just wish Hulk knows that he inspired me to tear my tank top off my body while grimacing every time I'm about to make magic happen with my escort girlfriend. And now I'm simply repaying the favor by watching the Hulkster get it on with a woman purportedly to be the ex-wife of his best-friend. Kudos Hulk, loved you in No Holds Barred.